Scary movies.

Posted in Uncategorized on October 24, 2017 by Waylon

Hey you,

I miss you.

I know it’s kinda weird I say that, because we barely know each other. Well, we don’t know each other. At all really.

It was one night. One insanely comfortable night. But one night.

But it’s irrational, right? You’re all the way up there. And i’m all the way down here. How could it ever work, right?

It was one night.

A night where I broke all my rules. No, forgive me. I didn’t break them. I forgot they existed.

A night i agreed to watch a scary movie purely because it meant I could cuddle. It meant I could put my head on your chest. It meant I could be as close to you as, for some completely unexplainable reason, I needed to be.

A night that I started watching, but never finished, a movie because my focus was elsewhere.

A night I kissed you because it felt obvious. And then wanted to do it again.

And again. And again.

A night I woke up to you rolling over and hugging me as we had fallen apart. And fell back asleep with a smile on my face.

It was a morning I woke to a kiss. A kiss that for some reason you thought you had to rush, as though you were stealing it. When in fact, you could have had every kiss that was left in my lips.

It was that one night. But it wasn’t just one night.

It was weeks of texts. And phone calls. The buzz of each sent shivers of happiness into every part of my body. Just like that one night.

The sound of your voice on the other end of the phone blocking out any other sound. Like nothing else existed.

Just like that night.

But the distance. The fucking distance. It’s sucks. It really fucking sucks.

It sucks that there’s something there, something we have both at times admitted to feeling, something we can’t explore properly.

If only you were here, or I was there. It would all be different.

Imagine that night. Again and again. Imagine the scary movies we’d never finish.

Imagine it wasn’t just one night.

I miss you.

And it sucks.



The life i couldn’t dream of.

Posted in Uncategorized on June 17, 2014 by Waylon

You know that thing that people say, usually your parents or your grandparents, or the nosy aunt that thinks she knows better, when you are complaining about how bad things are? The “There are people who would do anything to have the life you have”? 

That was me. I was one of those people. And i definitely would have. 

The 2014 i had planned felt like the ultimate dream. When i thought about it, at the time, i thought as big as i could in reality. (Which pretty much goes against the whole point of dreaming right? Dreams should BECOME reality, not be a reality when you dream them.)  For anyone else, it probably wouldn’t have appeared to be anything more than a normal everyday life. A life in which they dreamed that they could escape from, even just in their day dreams. All i dreamed for was what everyone else, wished they could escape from. 

The 2014 that has been, actually feels like a dream. I find myself smiling at the most smallest and random things. Im experiencing life on all levels, I’m making the right decision when there are decisions to be made, not just the easy way. I’ve done so much stuff that i could only dream of doing any time before 2014. The best thing is, I AM AWAKE!.

As i said in one of my previous blogs, i set out, on paper, the things i wanted to achieve this year in order for me to feel like i am back on track. To feel like i am not only existing, but i am actually living. In my last blog in March, i said that i was on my way to achieving most of the stuff on the list. Currently i can say i have achieved about 95% of them. The other 5% are not achieved on technicalities only. The list i am referring to is filled with long term, outlook, focus and mindset stuff so can obviously change, but these things have become my default way of thinking as opposed to something i need to consciously make myself do. And wow what a difference it makes. 

The number one thing that was on my list, and was a major focus after last year was money. There were no real specific goals except to pay off all my debt and start saving. After some major planning, smart choices and major changes, and proper financial management (FROM ME?????) i can now say that i am completely debt free! That in itself is a major major step for me. The last ten years of my life i have been somewhere between wading and drowning in debt. To be back on dry land feels amazing. And to think that in three weeks time,  will have more savings than i have EVER had i my life AND I’m eating AND I’m paying my bills AND i am able to enjoy life……. well i don’t even know how to describe it. For years, i have had to choose between them. 

This year i feel more steady and stable than any time that i can remember. Im living in a place that is close to everything i need, a place that feels like home, and with someone i can be relaxed around. This isn’t anything new but with the rest of my life steady, this feels even better. I have a job that i love because i don’t love it. I walk in, i do the job well, i turn around, walk out and don’t think about it till i get back the next day. I’m now working to live, not living to work. Those that know me, know this is another massive achievement for me. Another one that was on my list. 

These two together have taken immeasurable amounts of stress off me which have opened up a whole new reality i never thought i would be able to enjoy. Already this year i have experienced so much stuff i couldn’t dream of even 3-4 months ago. Spoiling Mum for her birthday in the blue mountains is a highlight, as is Vivid by Sea, as is my last Canberra trip, Australia Day in “the country” with some of my closest friends, protest marches and nights out with new mates, sightseeing in my own city, Wollongong day trips, multiple Luna Park trips, hang time with Canadian friends. I could go on and on and on. And i will. Because we are only half way through the year and already i have stuff planned for the rest of the year. Another canberra trip,this time flying, and for four days, a guilt free shopping spree to update everything i need, one of my oldest mates weddings, FODI (hopefully!), Wicked (hopefully), and so much more. I don’t even know when my next free weekend is! 

One very big plus that my job has bought is that i found a relationship this year, albeit a short lived one. He was an amazing guy. Sweet, generous, really nice guy, and gave me so much love. For reasons that don’t need to be put here, it didn’t work. Lets call it timing. Even with all the amazing stuff in my year, it upset me. An ending of a relationship is never easy. Its always nice to have someone to share the good stuff with (id say the bad stuff, but i haven’t had any!), and cuddles, well fuck, who doesn’t love cuddles??? But one thing it showed me is how much i have grown. How much stronger, mentally, emotionally, and all the other -allys (except physically). Although it hurt to end it, i knew, for me and him, that it was the right thing to do. Even through my weak moments, and there were a few of them that were quite teary, i knew it was the right thing to do. I have always prided myself on doing whats right, on being honest, regardless of the personal consequences. This was probably the biggest test of this recently, and i can pretty certainly say i passed. 

I am certainly not stopping here. I have so much more to experience in this year. I definitely want to skydive, i definitely want to eat at ARIA, i definitely want to travel more. But overall i want to continue to live. To experience life. To accomplish something, even if it is just making the ground beneath me feet totally stable. I want to create the life for myself that i saw when i was 10 and wondered what life would be like as an adult. Then when i get it, dream a bigger life and get that. And rinse, and repeat. 

2014 is the year i get back on my feet. If thats true, and 2015 is the year that i get to truly enjoy life, then i guess i better strap myself in, because this whole life thing, well, its pretty damn good. 



Thank You.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 20, 2014 by Waylon

“If i have spent more than 5 minutes with you this year then…” 

This, as well as the attached picture, was my status updated yesterday. Previous to updating my status, i had read my 2013 note and it was pretty obvious how different the two years have been. And it was pretty confronting. And awesome. 

At the beginning of the year i made a list of things i wanted to do and then sorta forgot about it. Last night i found it. And realised that without even thinking about it, i am very much on my way to fulfilling the list. This isn’t the list with things like “Going Skydiving” or “Visit every state”. This is a list that goes a little deeper and long term. This isn’t a list about experiences. This was a list about life. Or more specifically about regaining life. 

One of them stood out as being more successful than others. 

“Socialise with new people regularly” 

Obviously, there was nothing wrong with the people that i was friends with, or socialised with when i wrote this. The idea of putting this on the list is pretty simple. I had got into a rut and spent so much time in the rut that i had not met anyone new for i don’t even know how long. And i was over it. 

And i’ve gotta say, i’m pretty happy with the new people that have come into my life. Some of them i have known for a while and we have just started actually forming a relationship. Some of THESE, even 6 months ago i would have either said “No way will we ever be friends” or “If we were mates, that would be awesome”. In both cases, it is awesome. 

In all cases, i’ve loved every minute with all of em. But its not just that, 

I knew that this year was going to involve a lot of change in myself. And with all times of great change you never know how its gonna go. And, thankfully, so far, the change has been great. I was completely open as to which way it went. I wasn’t sure of WHO was going to enter my life, so i had no idea where the change was going to bring me. 

Before you think that i have changed into something i’m not, thats absolutely not the case. The last few years i, again, have been stripped back, and get another chance to rebuild. This time on even stronger foundations. This time i get to explore parts of myself that for whatever reason, be it lack of confidence, no idea where to even start, lack of knowledge or someone to guide me, i never did before. 

And i love it. 

Never did i think, and i still laugh at it uncomfortably, that i would have an actual interest in politics, let alone actually attend a protest march (i wish you could see how much i’m laughing at this right now. Obviously, “Waylon Murphy – Political Activist” hasn’t quite sunk in yet). But its kinda nice to actually feel like i have a voice about something. It’s really nice to actually explore something that ive wanted to for so long. 

Never did i think that i had so much to learn about the simple things, like how to shave properly, how to dress properly (not t shirt and jeans or gym gear), how to interact with people like a man without losing sight of the inner child. All those things i was too ashamed to actually ask anyone. Nor did i realise how fun it was. 

I could speak forever about how amazing 2014 has been. Not for many many many years have i been able to say that i’ve gone almost three months without a bad day. And i can say that honestly. Not once, in the year 2014, have i gone to bed and though “That day sucked”. Most days have actually been “Another awesome day. Thank You”. 

So my status update is a shortened version of this: 

Regardless of whether we have spent five minutes together, if we have had coffee and a chat after a session, if we have had dinner, if we have “attended” a political march. If you have let me into your life in any way, you have changed me. You have been a part of 2014 being an amazing year. So thank you. 



The coffee is too good to risk.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on February 16, 2014 by Waylon

A couple of days ago it was Valentines Day. As with the last few years i didn’t have a special someone to spend it with, and i spent it with a good mate just hanging out, eating food, watching Chicago Fire, and talking crap. So no real difference to any other day really.

Sometime throughout the conversation of the night, i mentioned that Valentines Day last year was the worst one i had had (read my 2013 post, no need to go into it here.), and that i was hoping that Valentines Day this year would signal the start of something better (so far so good). She mentioned that i should have asked a certain person i may or may not be interested in to do something that night, that it might be a sign of the start of something good.

With the start of the year going really well, i’m hoping that it stays like that, and i’m not taking any chances on anything crazy (Like asking someone i may or may not  interested in, to do something on Valentines Day for instance), and i’d wait until i knew that my apparent bad luck curse of 2013 was well and truly completed. My reply was:

“I’m sort of glad i didn’t ask, as i sort of wanted to test it on something a little less important…like a job or a house”…

I’ve learned through experience that if the job doesn’t work, you quit and get another one (most would do it the other way round, but that’s not my style.) The money from one is the same as the money from another, right? If i apply for a house, and i don’t get it, i apply for another one. A house is a house right? The risk seems almost nil.

BUT, when it comes to matters of the heart…well that is a completely different story.

I used to be either all in, or all out. What i AM learning is WHEN to go all in. And the answer to that is “not straight away”… But when i know that i want to go in, then there is risk there. And before i do anything about it i need to know that something is actually there to go in to. No point risking it all for nothing right?

I used to not care. I used to just go all in, give everything and deal with the consequences of going all in once it didn’t work. Pretty much the same as the way i spent my money. You got it, you spend it. And, well yeah. Let’s say that approach hasn’t exactly worked too well in the past. Unlike money, for me anyway, when an investment of the heart fails, what i have to give, grows. So each subsequent investment becomes bigger. And the risk gets greater. And the amount to give, grows. And after i don’t even know how many failed investments, over too many years, i wanna give a bit.

Now it seems, i have put what i’m risking into an indefinite term deposit until what is deemed a worthy investment comes along. I gamble my day to day on testing if its worth the investment. Not usually the way i operate, but its time to invest smart. 

I’d rather be homeless and financially bankrupt, than face bankruptcy of the heart.

And lets face it, the coffee is too good to risk.

What will you create?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on January 21, 2014 by Waylon


You know those times where you do everything in your power to make something work, or happen, and it just doesn’t? We have all been there. God knows i have had my fair share, as I’m sure you have. It’s frustrating, it’s demotivating and it can be extremely upsetting. If i have learned one thing through all of my experiences over the last 35 years, it’s that everything will happen when its meant to happen. It’s never late, and it’s never early. It’s ALWAYS right on time.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether we are totally in control of what happens, or if we have no control at all, and we are just mindless lemmings on a pre determined path that we can’t change… At the moment (because, like most things, it changes with age and experience) it’s a hybrid of them both. Because honestly, both of these options on their own are a terrifying thought.

To think that we are completely on our own in life and are floating round with no real purpose or map to get where we need to be, is kinda a lot to take in. Its kinda nice to know someone, something, has our back and is ready to take over the reigns when we get lost. And lets face it, who doesn’t like a bit of a challenge every now and then??

I believe that we are in complete control of what we want. But we have no or very little control over how we get it. I think we can choose the type of life we want, and we have total uninhibited, unobstructed choice in that. From there, the “universe”, God, life, whatever you believe or don’t believe in, constructs a path to get us from where we are currently to where we want to be. This decides how much we need to be tested in order to get to where we want to be. A lot of change needed, means intense and constant testing.

Each test that we go through, will change us in a way that we need to be changed, in order to get where we want to be. If we don’t learn the lessons AND make the changes necessary, we have to resit the test. Any time limits on getting where we want are set by us. The universe (or life or God, or god. Now referred to in the blog as universe.), has no concept of time. We pass the tests and we will get there quick. We fail the tests, it slows us down. There is no coincidence. There is no book of cheats. There is no shortcuts.

2014, for me, has gone OK so far. Everything that i want to happen has happened. To others it may not be anything amazing, but to me it’s both amazing in itself, and the start of something even more amazing. I had big plans for life in general at the start of 2013, and it’s kinda obvious, with hindsight, that i was no where near being the sort of person that i had to be in order to get what it was that i wanted at the time.  2013 was testing year, and a year of tests. I’m kinda hoping that either the tests are done for now, OR i have learned to learn the lessons a shit load quicker.

The other day i had a conversation with a friend of mine about a situation that was kinda awkward. I KNEW the conversation was coming, i just didn’t know when. And for the record, i have been ridiculously lucky to have been given this long without it. Now that the conversation has been had, i know that any other time, i wouldn’t have had (or seen, as the case may be) a solution. The conversation came, exactly when i needed it, when there was a solution I would have seen, and then a few days later it became extremely obvious how it all fitted into the bigger picture. Any earlier and i would have missed it, made very different decisions, and completely missed the lessons that it held. Because of the timing, and the amount i have changed through my testing in 2013, i saw it as an absolute positive, instead of a devastating negative.

I always knew that 2014 would be all about rebuilding and restarting. It’s what i wanted AND needed. Lately, i have had to think about two different options in regards to HOW i wanted the rebuild to go. Both options involve finding my own place and a stable job and rebuilding the foundations. But one has me staying in the place i know, with (or close to) the people i love most, in a job that is just a job, and i never have to really change my routine.

The other involves me completely uprooting 250kms away (Good? Bad?), but allows me to do a job that has purpose AND i get to hang with my bestie again, and get a complete restart.

I couldn’t decide which one i wanted. I didn’t know the answer to the test. Both had pros and both had cons. As i have done before, i took a lifeline (there is no limit on these, but you have to give up ALL control each time), and i asked the universe to give me a hint as to which way I’m supposed to go. The universe spoke pretty loudly and clearly about which one was best for me. I have my own version of what i want to happen with the two choices but what will happen, will happen and ill go with it. Either way is a restart. I just need to make the right decisions, to keep on path.

So, although it feels like you are working separately, the universe is working to give you exactly what you want. You ARE the architect of your own life, but you may not have total control over the details of the actual construction of the project. Without an architect, a builder doesn’t know what he is building. Without builders, an architect just has pretty pictures. Together you can create anything.

What are you going to create?

Life smells like leather.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 20, 2014 by Waylon

Disclaimer: So i like to think that i am pretty open to life and things that inspire me. I like to think that i am open to inspiration from anything and at any time. But i also think that i am extremely random and weird about how i connect things in this little brain of mine.

This is one of those times. (Just stick with it, i’ll try to make it make sense)

So I’m 12 days into a two week stay at a mates place while he is overseas (Relax, I’m not squatting, he knows I’m here). Every time in the first 10 days that i walked in the doors of the apartment complex, i thought “What is that smell, its horrible.” It was really strong and felt almost caustic. I started to take a deep breath before i walked through the doors to minimise how it felt. Once i got into the lift it was fine and the smell wasn’t there anymore.

A couple of days ago i walked out of the lift into the foyer and was, once again, hit with the smell. This time it was different though. This time, it hit me as i was looking through the doors of the showroom that was underneath the apartments, on street level. The leather lounge showroom. The “caustic” smell that i had been smelling was an overload of the rich expensive leather coming from the showroom. And now far from being unpleasant, i took a deep breath in and inhaled the leathery goodness of it. And it was amazing.

For 10 days, i had held my breath and tried to avoid the smell, while i ran to the lift. But once i realised what it was, i couldn’t get enough of it and breathed it in. And then i realised, this is a perfect metaphor for how we deal with life.

When we are going through some tough times, we tend to hold our breath,avoid it, and we can’t wait till its over. I totally advocate focussing on better times, to get through a tough time, I’m not saying we should do the opposite. What I’m saying is that, even during the bad times, we need to realise that the “caustic” life that we are smelling is actually rich, expensive leather but its so strong its hard to take in.

Imagine how much shorter, and less intense, these caustic times in life would be if we were able to smell and take in the leather hidden in these tough times. It’s all well and good, and absolutely necessary, to look to the end result when it will all be over and life is back to normal, but its always easier to deal with if we can see the good within the bad and the “good times” won’t always feel so out of reach.

Imagine how much discomfort we would save ourselves if only we saw, and learned the lessons at the time, instead of looking back and seeing them at the end and thinking “Wow if i knew that then, it wouldn’t have been so difficult”.

So just keep breathing. When it gets tough, dig in, focus on your breathing and get through it. You will be glad you did in the end.

Just remember, life really like a leather lounge. Sometimes the leather is smooth and soft, and fits you just right. And sometimes leather is hot, sticky, fired out and cracked. But every crack in the leather means something. Every crack is a part of that leathers history.

Breathe it in. And see it for what it is.

Fuck off, we’re full…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 17, 2014 by Waylon

We have all heard it and many of us have said it. I know i have.

As Australians, there is this notion that we aren’t racist, we are patriotic or “proudly Australian”, or some other ridiculous excuse to convince ourselves that we don’t deserve this big, bad nasty “Racist” tag. Racism is so firmly bred into our language, our culture and our lifestyle, over a long term basis, that we don’t even know that we are doing it. And if we don’t know that we are doing it, of course we aren’t going to admit that we are racist.

Don’t for a second think that i think i haven’t fallen into this category. I stand guilty as charged your honour. For years, i vehemently denied my racist tendencies by prefacing “Im not racist” with “Oh its a joke, i don’t really mean it”, “Yeah but i was born here”, “But there’s more of them here than there is us”, “Jesus, its spot the aussie”….

Its all the same shit just wrapped in a different flag.

Something happened my very first night in Canada that changed all this. Something so simple, so honest and so sincere, it hit me like a sledgehammer to the face.

I had met my mate earlier that day and we headed out to dinner to meet some of his mates and see title bit of Toronto. I met one of his friends, who is now a good friend of mine, who had come over to Syd earlier in the year and commented that he noticed that everyone was so blatanty racist. Obviously i denied it. “Nah its just a joke”. Later we went to a club, I’d had a few drinks and was feeling comfortable and starting to get into holiday mode. As we went upstairs i noticed that the club was, literally half white people and half black people. I said to the Canadian who was in Sydney earlier in the year (as a “joke”) “Hey, since when are “they” allowed up here with “us”?”

The response was immediate, swift and honest. He turned around looked me right in the eye with an amount of disgust, disbelief, and sickness that i couldn’t comprehend at the time and said “You can’t say that here. It might be OK in Sydney but not here”.

I probably responded with a “Oh its only a joke” and he may have said something back, but either way it hit me before this. I was racist. Australians are racist. And we don’t even know it. (yes i realise this is a generalisation.) Once i realised this i realised a lot more about both Canada and Australia.

Canada is grey. There is no colour. Everyone is Canadian. Everyone is covered by the Canadian flag. And those who aren’t Canadian are welcomed (including, although begrudgingly, Americans lol). So much so that its like they literally don’t even notice colour. They don’t notice that someone isn’t white, and in the bigger scheme, they don’t notice they are gay, or female or a non white gay female.

It just doesn’t register. And it shouldn’t.

Australia on the other hand, calls itself white but notices every single colour other than white. Yellow, black, non tanned brown, red, everything. They notice gay, they, we, notice female, we notice everything thats not white, straight and male. And we act accordingly. We say “well you need to assimilate and stop grouping in one place” we say “speak our language or don’t come here”.

Lets think about how fucking ridiculous that is:

If you come to a new country where you don’t know anyone, you are going to go where there is something familiar. Like we do. Remember those Aussie pubs in Thailand, Bali and the UK? Isn’t that the same thing? Yeah, we go elsewhere but we tend to congregate where the familiar is. Where the other Aussies are. Remember the terrorist attacks in Bali in 2002 (?)? It was targeted towards aussies. Why did they hit the club they hit? Because thats where we congregated. WE do the same thing we hate here, in other countries but tend to think its OK.

As for the language issue, i have been on the other side of it overseas, and it was a very different story. When i was in Macau for three months in 2004, i spoke very little to no cantonese for most of the time i was there. While i was learning it, i was terrified to speak it to strangers. I thought they are going to get pissed off that i didn’t speak the language, like we do. But when i did, instead of being pissed off, they were extremely appreciative of the fact that i had tried AND once they knew what i was trying to say, they helped me say it correctly.

We, as Australians, could not do it any more differently. We get annoyed (“Speak the language freshy”), we certainly make no attempt to help them learn the language (kind of ridiculous when thats what we say we want), and this is only if we actually bother to speak to them. So again, they go to where they feel safe, where they find familiarity, then we get annoyed at that.

We are breeding and feeding our own problems.

And its not just the “immigrants” that we are confused about. How many times have you heard someone speaking with an accent of another country, not necessarily a “non-white country”, (I’m thinking lebanon, Italy, Greece, pick a country), saying “This is our country bro, go fucking home”, while living in a “lebanese/Greek/Italian” suburb but calling themselves “lebanese/italian/greek/wog/leb” etc? Again why is this OK but for a “non-white” who has as much claim to being an Australian as they do are called immigrants, FOB’s, and a million other derogatory, racially motivated slurs?

If you argue that these “immigrants” are taking our jobs, grow up. They usually take the jobs that you think you are too good to do, the jobs that you think are below you, the jobs that you give up and then stay on welfare, not working, while giving shit to these people who come here and work to build a life for themselves and then have the nerve to say you are above them. Grow up.

This isn’t just a “general populace” issue. Now i don’t mean to be political, and i certainly don’t care to start a political argument, but this whole stop the boats policy crap is so ridiculous and shows that Australia and its law makers really don’t understand the whole thing . That racism is so deeply embedded in our culture and our thinking, that its now being put into law. It shows that they don’t understand the reality of the world and how it works. It shows that we haven’t make a distinction between “illegal immigrants” and Asylum seekers”, and we are really bordering on ing viewed as a country that has no compassion for anyone other than ourselves. For a country that is already looked upon as a racist one, is this really something we want to do?

When is Australia going to get with the times and realise that we have been for a long time, currently are, and will be even more so in the future, a multicultural country?

If you think that immigrants are taking your job, If you think that immigrants are ruining the country, if you think that all Aussies are white, if you think that the boats should be stopped, if you think that being white gives you some sort of superiority over everyone that isn’t…. then i have one thing to say to you.

Fuck off, we’re full.

We are full with people that love the diversity of the place. We are full of people that love this country enough to uproot their whole life and that see our country as a good place to start again. We are full of people that are compassionate enough to realise that, in some countries, they aren’t as lucky as us. We are of full of people who are yellow, and black, and red, and brown, and white.

And they can ALL be Australian.

Now that i have written this, I’m going to go get some dinner, I’m tossing up between Thai and Chinese…. I hope they don’t tell me to “go home, we are full”, because i hear Ireland is a bit of a shit hole place to live at the moment.

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