The life i couldn’t dream of.

You know that thing that people say, usually your parents or your grandparents, or the nosy aunt that thinks she knows better, when you are complaining about how bad things are? The “There are people who would do anything to have the life you have”? 

That was me. I was one of those people. And i definitely would have. 

The 2014 i had planned felt like the ultimate dream. When i thought about it, at the time, i thought as big as i could in reality. (Which pretty much goes against the whole point of dreaming right? Dreams should BECOME reality, not be a reality when you dream them.)  For anyone else, it probably wouldn’t have appeared to be anything more than a normal everyday life. A life in which they dreamed that they could escape from, even just in their day dreams. All i dreamed for was what everyone else, wished they could escape from. 

The 2014 that has been, actually feels like a dream. I find myself smiling at the most smallest and random things. Im experiencing life on all levels, I’m making the right decision when there are decisions to be made, not just the easy way. I’ve done so much stuff that i could only dream of doing any time before 2014. The best thing is, I AM AWAKE!.

As i said in one of my previous blogs, i set out, on paper, the things i wanted to achieve this year in order for me to feel like i am back on track. To feel like i am not only existing, but i am actually living. In my last blog in March, i said that i was on my way to achieving most of the stuff on the list. Currently i can say i have achieved about 95% of them. The other 5% are not achieved on technicalities only. The list i am referring to is filled with long term, outlook, focus and mindset stuff so can obviously change, but these things have become my default way of thinking as opposed to something i need to consciously make myself do. And wow what a difference it makes. 

The number one thing that was on my list, and was a major focus after last year was money. There were no real specific goals except to pay off all my debt and start saving. After some major planning, smart choices and major changes, and proper financial management (FROM ME?????) i can now say that i am completely debt free! That in itself is a major major step for me. The last ten years of my life i have been somewhere between wading and drowning in debt. To be back on dry land feels amazing. And to think that in three weeks time,  will have more savings than i have EVER had i my life AND I’m eating AND I’m paying my bills AND i am able to enjoy life……. well i don’t even know how to describe it. For years, i have had to choose between them. 

This year i feel more steady and stable than any time that i can remember. Im living in a place that is close to everything i need, a place that feels like home, and with someone i can be relaxed around. This isn’t anything new but with the rest of my life steady, this feels even better. I have a job that i love because i don’t love it. I walk in, i do the job well, i turn around, walk out and don’t think about it till i get back the next day. I’m now working to live, not living to work. Those that know me, know this is another massive achievement for me. Another one that was on my list. 

These two together have taken immeasurable amounts of stress off me which have opened up a whole new reality i never thought i would be able to enjoy. Already this year i have experienced so much stuff i couldn’t dream of even 3-4 months ago. Spoiling Mum for her birthday in the blue mountains is a highlight, as is Vivid by Sea, as is my last Canberra trip, Australia Day in “the country” with some of my closest friends, protest marches and nights out with new mates, sightseeing in my own city, Wollongong day trips, multiple Luna Park trips, hang time with Canadian friends. I could go on and on and on. And i will. Because we are only half way through the year and already i have stuff planned for the rest of the year. Another canberra trip,this time flying, and for four days, a guilt free shopping spree to update everything i need, one of my oldest mates weddings, FODI (hopefully!), Wicked (hopefully), and so much more. I don’t even know when my next free weekend is! 

One very big plus that my job has bought is that i found a relationship this year, albeit a short lived one. He was an amazing guy. Sweet, generous, really nice guy, and gave me so much love. For reasons that don’t need to be put here, it didn’t work. Lets call it timing. Even with all the amazing stuff in my year, it upset me. An ending of a relationship is never easy. Its always nice to have someone to share the good stuff with (id say the bad stuff, but i haven’t had any!), and cuddles, well fuck, who doesn’t love cuddles??? But one thing it showed me is how much i have grown. How much stronger, mentally, emotionally, and all the other -allys (except physically). Although it hurt to end it, i knew, for me and him, that it was the right thing to do. Even through my weak moments, and there were a few of them that were quite teary, i knew it was the right thing to do. I have always prided myself on doing whats right, on being honest, regardless of the personal consequences. This was probably the biggest test of this recently, and i can pretty certainly say i passed. 

I am certainly not stopping here. I have so much more to experience in this year. I definitely want to skydive, i definitely want to eat at ARIA, i definitely want to travel more. But overall i want to continue to live. To experience life. To accomplish something, even if it is just making the ground beneath me feet totally stable. I want to create the life for myself that i saw when i was 10 and wondered what life would be like as an adult. Then when i get it, dream a bigger life and get that. And rinse, and repeat. 

2014 is the year i get back on my feet. If thats true, and 2015 is the year that i get to truly enjoy life, then i guess i better strap myself in, because this whole life thing, well, its pretty damn good. 




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